I don't know why, exactly, but equality issues have been weighing heavily on my mind recently. Perhaps it's because I have many gay friends, or perhaps it's because gay rights issues have been in the news. For many years, I've agreed that the issue of gay marriage cheapens my own marriage, just not necessarily for the same reasons. Until everyone is legally allowed to marry whom they want, and to have that marriage universally acknowledged the way heterosexual marriage is acknowledged, I feel that all marriages are diminished somehow. I'm not necessarily brave enough to stand up for my convictions enough to get a divorce just because my gay friends can't get married, but that is how I feel.
The sentiment goes deeper, however, and I frequently find myself in problematic places mentally and emotionally. I remember myself as a child, proudly and adamantly stating that I was only prejudiced against people who are prejudiced. In my sheltered world, "prejudice" really only applied to race and skin color. I had no idea about the world of gender, sex, age, or the many other biases visible today. In a way, I'm glad they seem more visible, because we can only get over them after they've been acknowledged. On the other hand, it's not good for my emotional health that so many people are so stupid. Yes, I used that word. Bias against gay marriage is just plain stupid...it's not ignorant, unless a person is simply spouting what his/her parents believe. But to actively believe that gay marriage has anything to do with anyone other than the people involved, and that it will bring doom and despair to the whole world needs to grow up.
As I said, I have many gay friends, most of whom are in committed and loving relationships. Some have children, some are planning to have children at some point, and some, like my husband and I, do not ever plan to have children. I'm ashamed and appalled at the lengths some of these friends have had to go in order to declare their love and committment to each other, when my husband and I just waltzed into the county offices and received our marriage licenses without a second glance.
But I also have friends, or at the very least acquaintances, that force me to constantly re-evaluate my friendship or associations with them. One couple staunchly votes Republican. They are fairly well off, so they definitely favor the "don't tax the rich" policies that Republicans typically promote. That's not the only conservative value they have, and I don't necessarily disagree with their values. They DO support gay rights and marriage...as far as they are concerned from a moral/ethical/religious stance, people are people and who someone loves is no one else's business. But I have problems with them, because for all of their personal social beliefs, they would still rather see a Bush or a McCain (don't really know about Palin) in office than a Clinton or an Obama. There are many issues that I tend to be more conservative or independent, or even libertarian, about, but I ultimately cannot support someone who doesn't believe in equality of marriage or rights for all people. This couple is more more my husband's friends, but we do see them socially on occasion. We argue almost every time we go to their house, because I cannot completely reconcile the individual goodness of this couple with where they place their political support.
The other conundrum revolves around a friend with whom I recently re-connected. I love him to death...he is one of the sweetest, most caring people I know. But his wife is homophobic. She has outright stated that if her children are gay, she will not support them in their marriages. This is the part I hate: my friend does not believe that at all, but by staying married to her, is he tacitly supporting her hateful views? We're fortunately at a distance, so I really don't ever have to interact with her, but it's very very difficult for me to continue being friends with him knowing that he loves, honors, and is committed to his wife.
I agree that there can be differences of opinion. I'm pretty darn set in my beliefs, but I can generally be friends with people who don't believe the same thing I do. However, there are two places that I just can't ignore these differences: animal welfare and equality for everyone. How do I keep my friendships without compromising my own values? How can I be a supportive friend when I can't abide some of the decisions these people make?
